A Letter To Lily Allen

Dear Lily Allen

We gave Lily Allen and Friends an extra week to settle in before writing this, it seemed the decent thing to do.

It’s not working is it Lil? I mean bless you, you’re great, You really are. You’re fresh, and funny, and spunky, when you’re off the cuff you’re a treat to watch, and it genuinely is great to have you on the telly. I am genuinely fond of you. But the show…the show. It’s just no there, it doesn’t work.

If you hadn’t done this format, then obviously someone else would, and I can see why it was an easy pitch, what with all your myspace chums and entertaining blogs and all. Problem is BBC3 seem to think they can graft the internet to the side of the telly and get something wonderful and new with the best of both worlds. Like apple trees. And maybe you can…the ideal t’internet-telly format is definitely out there, skulking in the bushes waiting to be discovered. The beeb are getting there: the iPlayer maybe the best decision the BBC have made in a decade.

But BBC3’s awkward frankensteining of web two-point-whatever and anything they happen to have on their schedule just feels so false and so forced.

Your chat show guests are great and you’re doing a good job. Last week David Mitchell looked slightly bemused, a tiny bit embaressed, but seemed to be enjoying himself. Cuba Gooding Jnr obviously didn’t care where he was…up to the point you stopped the euphemisms and just talked about his cock. That was a great moment Lily, well done.

This week though, you seemed a bit hesitant and a bit unsure of yourself. Is this because of the bad reviews? Or have you maybe seen the show back yourself and realised that basing the show on web content wasn’t that great an idea in hindsight?

Here’s where you’ve got it wrong.

- The internet, especially social networking, web two-point-infinite gubbins is all about interactivity, about people taking ownership of their media and everyone’s lives being synced together. The audience need to feel part of the show.

- But your show seems to think a Social Networking/web experience can be applied to TV by showing VT’s of whatever ‘hilarious’ Mpegs have been emailed to your researcher by their Mum. Getting your audience to submit wacky facts about themselves isn't it either. You're missing the point. And didn't Graham Norton already do all of that five years ago?

Giving the kids the vote for the bands they want to see is a great idea, though hardly the most original. Replace online voting with SMS messaging and you’ve got CD:UK. It's not really enough.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense to you. Please carry on having fun, maybe try and influence some tweaks to the format. But don’t be too upset if it gets taken off. You’re doing your best and it’s not your fault.

Smile!

Marc B

That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore.

New BBC3 Reviewed: Phoo Action.

The relaunched BBC3 kicked into gear last night with an emphasis on shiny bright colours, shiny bright people and of course Web two-point-whatever (surely we should be due an upgrade by now?) that TV really should have cottoned onto two years back at least.

Two shows last night defined the new look channel, the much-anticipated (although in some cases only to smirk) Lily Allen and Friends, more on which later, and flagship 'drama' Phoo Action, and that’s quite the oddest prospect yet.

First up was the shock that Jose Vanders was introducing the programmes. Jose is a fresh-faced (looking particularly well scrubbed last night) and obscenely talented singer-songstress who we happen to have actually met a few times. Last seen supporting GoodBooks just before Christmas, it was a jolt to see her fronting TV, but then letting anyone on the box is what BBC3 is all about these days, and besides she did a pretty decent job of it. To investigate Jose a bit more click here.

Phoo Action is a really, really odd show. And not because of its content: Basketball-headed villains, blue mutant henchman, magic hotpants. These are par for the course. No, what made Phoo Action so odd is that, almost 24 hours later, we still have no idea if it was

a) Bubblegum-fresh, entertaining and cool

Or

b) Absolutly fucking awful.

Seriously we have no idea. One moment you’re drifting along on a tide of eye candy and a great soundtrack allowing your nether-brain to get some sleep while your eyes and what passes for your consciousness are distracted by the bright lights and pretty colours. The next you’re cowering in startled dis-belief that something so brain-rottingly shit could be allowed onto your screen.

For an explanationwe should look to the committee-led scientifically proven box-ticking that went into toddlershaped mindfuck BooBah in 2004 – a show that mesmerised the under 4’s but seemed like a psychedelic migraine to anyone older. Like that show each gurgling voice, each sparkly explosion, each musical chime exists only for the ears of a very specific demographic. If you’re outside it then it seems senseless. So if you’re under 20 Phoo Action was probably quite good, if you’re over 30 it’s bonkers, and not in a good way... and if you’re in the middle it doesn’t quite feel right.

There are things it does universally right: thanks to Jamie Hewlett's unique imagination the whole thing looked spectacular. Jamie Winstone seems like one to watch and looks great in hotpants and a red wig, and the soundtrack was a well-chosen mash of electro-new and stompy-old (CSS and Supergrass at either end). The nightclub dance in particular was a great moment.

On the other hand, for a character who is meant to be an ass-kicking, breakdancing, masked kung-fu cop, Terry Phoo is a disappointingly wet lead. His fighting and his dancing didn’t really fizzle at all.

An interesting and tone-setting start for BBC3, let’s see where it takes us.